A Mullet Slideshow

First of all I must thank my father in law Dave the Mullet Slayer for all of the contributions.  He has gone from the student to the master and I can only hope to do it as well as he does.  He is a true artist!

Second, I would like to thank the Academy

And last, I would most of all like to thank God, for without him I would probably have been beaten to death by a tweeked out mullet and left to rot in a bar ditch.

The Mullet Creation Story Poem

There once was a clean cut man who longed for something more

His fry cook suit was styley yes but his life was just a bore.

He dreamt of men who had done it right, rockin on the stage

Banging heads of flowing locks will never not be the rage

So he began to grow a kick ass mane and flaunt it oh so proud

He became a lone wolf rebel man and he stood out in a crowd

But Monday came and his fry cook boss scorned him like a child

“We’re high and tight at the Burger Shack our hair cannot be wild

Now cut that mop so you fit in, if you don’t you will be fired

So he moped on back to the trailer court with mind a little mired

What shall I do to maintain my edge and please my crappy boss

He spoke to himself in the bathroom mirror mourning the impending loss

But then it came like a burst of flame an idea that would change the world

Business on top, a party in back and a perm that would keep it curled

So when he went to work the very next day the cashier was a little smitten

She too wanted to rock the doo she was sick of being a kitten

So with the sheers she lopped her hair to resemble a highway cop

But in the rear she left it long so she’d fit in at the Harley Shop

The next day at work they saw each other and instantly fell in love

Then cut the sleeves off their flannel shirts and cut the fingers off their gloves

They got burley chains to attach their wallets to their acid washed blue jeans

And unlaced their Nike high tops and spoke of NASCAR dreams

Their love burned bright like a hockey fight and one day there came a child

It didn’t take long for it to have a shlong* and he made his parents seem mild

He proudly sported his perfect plumage at the Chucky Cheese

He strutted the isles of Walmart and brought them to their knees

It was a meteoric rise to the top for the bitchin style

Those who refrained were really lame or they were in denial

He left his mark on the Circle K crew and the throngs that ooed and awed

But they all noticed in the whirling dervish, something very flawed

They gnawed and chewed and kicked it around but it stuck in their gullet

Till one genius stood up and yelled aloud HEY let’s name it Mullet

 

*shlong – One of the many monikers for mullet…a combination of short and long

A Mullet Hodge Podge

A Cornucopia of Mullets

A trophy Latinullet in a suit. Very rare indeed!

A pair of femullets, possibly Lesmullets, buying Mac and Cheese.

DSC_0154

A Firefullet. One of the rarest of all.

A nice feathered mullet accessorized with a cut off t-shirt and a porn stache.

A nice feathered mullet accessorized with a cut off t-shirt and a porn stache.

Where's my damn fries!

Where’s my damn fries! Note the racing stripe on the wife beater.

Screenshot_2013-07-01-09-03-18

All I can say is HOLY CRAP!

What Could This Femullet Be Thinking?

What could this femullet be thinking?

What could this femullet be thinking?

Here are some possibilities:

That half priced sushi I bought at the quickie mart was a bad idea.

Damn it, I forgot the pork rinds.

I’ve got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.

Was his name Billy Bob or Bobby Bill?

Did he wear protection last night?

What the hell is Gonorrhea anyway, wasn’t she on Saturday Night Live?

Why does it burn when I pee?

Oh crap, did I leave the BBQ grill on in the house.

It’s all because of Obamacare and those bleeding heart commie liberals.

That toilet paper was like John Wayne, it doesn’t take shit off nobody.

This rash is killing me.

This duct tape bra chafes.

I should have worn a tube top.

My shins need a tan.

What was I thinking, this shiny purple purse with big silver rodeo buckles  doesn’t match my black Walmart sneakers.

How was I supposed to know he was my cousin?

Budweiser gives me gas.

Boy howdy I should have worn underwear.

I wonder why we say “a pair of pants” when there is only one of them. Shouldn’t it be “a pant”?

Why is pubic hair curly?

I can’t believe that professional wrestling is fake.

Do farts have lumps?

This photo reveals the answer to the question: What is this femullet thinking.

This photo reveals the answer to the question: What is this femullet thinking.

The answer to the question, What is this femullet thinking…….. is

Man, my foot itches.

Skullet

Skullet Profile

Skullet Profile – Beer belly extending beyond 10 inches…. add two cheater points. I cannot put a bead on the race of this mullet. He could be any one of many breeds.

IMG_20120407_194152

Rear view of Skullet. I do believe I see a bit of some perm action….Add 2 cheater points.

MULLET NOMENCLATURE

no·men·cla·ture

ˈnōmənˌklāCHər/

noun

noun: nomenclature

  1. the devising or choosing of names for things, esp. in a science or other discipline.
    • the body or system of names in a particular field.plural noun: nomenclatures
      “the nomenclature of chemical compounds”
    • formal
      the term or terms applied to someone or something.”“customers” was preferred to the original nomenclature “passengers.””

 

GENUS

 

Mullet – Male

 

Fullet or Femullet- Female

 

SPECIES

 

Skullet- Bald on top

 

Rat Tail – A sleeker version. More business, less party.

 

Combustullet – Mullets that like combustable engine sports such as Drag Racing & NASCAR.

 

Hockullets – Hockey players and fans

 

Homullet – Homosexuals

 

Firefullet – A female with naturally red hair – No shit!  I’ve seen one @ a Cicle K in Superior Arizona but it was too dangerous to get a shot.  My wife can vouch for me, I swear.

 

 

RACE

 

Eurullet – European Decent, Caucullet – Caucasian, Canadullet – Canadian, Frenchullet (pronounced French oo lay)- French etc….

 

Afrullet –  African Decent, Congullet – Congo, Kenyullet – Kenya,  Ethiullet – Ethiopia, Botswullet – Botswana  etc….

 

Indiullet – Native American Decent, Navullet – Navajo,  Apachullet – Apache, Cherokullet – Cherokee etc…

 

Asiaullet – Asian Decent, Chinullet – Chinese, Japullet – Japanese Mongullet – Mongolian etc…

 

Latinullet – Mexullet – Mexican Decent, Chilullet – Chilean, Colubullet – Columbnian etc….

 

 

COMMON NAMES

 

Beaver Tail

Trucker Mud Flap

Tennessee Top Hat

Canadian Passport

The Yep Nope

The Yope

The 10-90

Mississippi Waterfall

The El Camino

The Dixie Chandelier

The Short Long or Shlong

The Missouri Comprimise

Mullet Hunting – Fun for the Whole Family

Many of you out there are hunters of wild game and will understand some of the intricacies of the endeavor, while others have never partaken in the sport. That’s okay; the nice thing about mullet hunting is that because nothing is actually killed, it can be enjoyed by the most grizzled redneck in the woods to the most urban metrosexual vegan. Mullet hunting is all inclusive and can be enjoyed by the entire family. There are many similarities that hunting animals and mullets share, such as stealth, camouflage, patience and a steady hand in the face of danger. “Danger?” You ask. Well, I equate mullet hunting to the pursuit of the mighty Cape buffalo, the most dangerous game in all of Africa. When grazing out on the Serengeti Plains they seem docile but when cornered they have a vicious temper. Some mullets are fully aware of the atrocity atop their bean and would proudly strike a pose for you if you had the guts to ask but most Mullets do not realize that they are adorned with the most hilarious headgear god ever created.  They will not hesitate to bludgeon a hapless photographer to death if they know they are being shot. The hunter must use stealth in their approach and be prepared to run at the moment they feel they have been caught.   If all else fails the photographer’s only resort is to use their camera as a weapon, usually resulting in the loss of an expensive camera. So in summation, a good Mullet hunter must have the eye of an eagle, the stealth of a jaguar, the patience of a profit, the nerve of a soldier and the steadiness of a sniper.

In hunting, the first thing that you must do is to locate and scout the habitat of the query. Mullets are very adaptive creatures and can be found in almost every environ but there are certain places that they prefer to frequent. For example, Wal Mart will generally hold more mullets than say, JC Pennies. A Bar and Grill is preferable to a Bar and Grille (Only Frenchy yuppies eat at a Grille) a Biker Bar trumps them all of course. My honey holes are NASCAR and hockey events, the most fertile trophy hunting ground on the planet. In a study done by Keystone et. al. 2012, we see that there is a direct correlation between Circle K distribution and Mullet concentration, so it would make sense for you to spend time frequenting the areas in and around Circle K’s if you want to increase your odds of capturing a Beaver Tail. Now I’m not saying that you will never see a shlong at the Starbucks. Mullets can survive in every niche of the environment so it’s absolutely critical to always be prepared even in habitat deemed unmullety because you never know, you could be shopping for skimpy panties for your girl (or yourself) at Victoria’s Secret and look over and see a trophy femullet perusing the leather isle. You must be ready to strike at ALL times! I ask you this, “If a Mullet falls in the woods and there is no camera to take a picture of it was there a Mullet ever in the woods?” The Scout’s Moto; Always be Prepared! When I think of my mission and how important it is to be prepared this part of Full Metal Jacket always inspires me. “This is my camera. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My camera is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my camera is useless. Without my camera, I am useless. I must fire my camera true.”

In big game hunting there are strict guidelines for determining what is considered a trophy. Organizations such as the Boone and Crocket Record Book and the Safari Club International measure the size of the kill and publish lists of the world’s biggest animals. I have adopted a similar set of guidelines for judging the trophyness of mullets and I write them here for you to use on your own hunting trips.

The Billy Boone Bob and Cleatus Crocket Record Book of Mullets

Measurements:

With a ¼ inch aluminum tape take your first measurement from the occipital bun of the skull to the tip of the longest hair.

 

Mullet

This Mullet scores 13 inches for amplitude and gets another 2 inches for the dick broom for a total score of 15 inches on the BBBCC Record Book, a proud specimen for sure but not a trophy.

For your second measurement, take the length of the hair from the top of the skull.

Subtract the business on top measurement from the party in the back measurement. This is know as the differential or amplitude measurement.

Cheater points:  Cheater points are extra inches you are awarded for the accessories a Mullet chooses to accent their plumage with.  The following list will outline the inches each adornment will be awarded.

1. Porn Stache – 2 inches

2. Beard/Handle Bar Stache, Pork Chops – 1 inch

2. Wallet Chain – 2 inches

3. Cell Phone Holder on Belt – 2 inches

4. Fanny Pack – 5 inches

5. Wife Beater T Shirt – 2 inches (If the wife beater has chilly, spaghetti, pot pie etc… stains on it, add 1 more inch)

6. Tube Top – 5 inches

7.  Beer Belly (10 inches as measured from their belt buckle) 1 inch

8. Perm – 3 inches

9. Hairy Back – Male 2 inches, Female 10 inches

10. Gold Chains, Jelly Shoes, Spandex – 2 inches

Add your amplitude measurement with your cheater point additions to get your total inches.  A score of 20 total inches will get you included in the record book.

I wish you happy hunting grounds and successful stalks.

Ky

Please stay tuned for Mullet Species Taxonomy and Identification coming soon.