Many of you out there are hunters of wild game and will understand some of the intricacies of the endeavor, while others have never partaken in the sport. That’s okay; the nice thing about mullet hunting is that because nothing is actually killed, it can be enjoyed by the most grizzled redneck in the woods to the most urban metrosexual vegan. Mullet hunting is all inclusive and can be enjoyed by the entire family. There are many similarities that hunting animals and mullets share, such as stealth, camouflage, patience and a steady hand in the face of danger. “Danger?” You ask. Well, I equate mullet hunting to the pursuit of the mighty Cape buffalo, the most dangerous game in all of Africa. When grazing out on the Serengeti Plains they seem docile but when cornered they have a vicious temper. Some mullets are fully aware of the atrocity atop their bean and would proudly strike a pose for you if you had the guts to ask but most Mullets do not realize that they are adorned with the most hilarious headgear god ever created. They will not hesitate to bludgeon a hapless photographer to death if they know they are being shot. The hunter must use stealth in their approach and be prepared to run at the moment they feel they have been caught. If all else fails the photographer’s only resort is to use their camera as a weapon, usually resulting in the loss of an expensive camera. So in summation, a good Mullet hunter must have the eye of an eagle, the stealth of a jaguar, the patience of a profit, the nerve of a soldier and the steadiness of a sniper.
In hunting, the first thing that you must do is to locate and scout the habitat of the query. Mullets are very adaptive creatures and can be found in almost every environ but there are certain places that they prefer to frequent. For example, Wal Mart will generally hold more mullets than say, JC Pennies. A Bar and Grill is preferable to a Bar and Grille (Only Frenchy yuppies eat at a Grille) a Biker Bar trumps them all of course. My honey holes are NASCAR and hockey events, the most fertile trophy hunting ground on the planet. In a study done by Keystone et. al. 2012, we see that there is a direct correlation between Circle K distribution and Mullet concentration, so it would make sense for you to spend time frequenting the areas in and around Circle K’s if you want to increase your odds of capturing a Beaver Tail. Now I’m not saying that you will never see a shlong at the Starbucks. Mullets can survive in every niche of the environment so it’s absolutely critical to always be prepared even in habitat deemed unmullety because you never know, you could be shopping for skimpy panties for your girl (or yourself) at Victoria’s Secret and look over and see a trophy femullet perusing the leather isle. You must be ready to strike at ALL times! I ask you this, “If a Mullet falls in the woods and there is no camera to take a picture of it was there a Mullet ever in the woods?” The Scout’s Moto; Always be Prepared! When I think of my mission and how important it is to be prepared this part of Full Metal Jacket always inspires me. “This is my camera. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My camera is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my camera is useless. Without my camera, I am useless. I must fire my camera true.”
In big game hunting there are strict guidelines for determining what is considered a trophy. Organizations such as the Boone and Crocket Record Book and the Safari Club International measure the size of the kill and publish lists of the world’s biggest animals. I have adopted a similar set of guidelines for judging the trophyness of mullets and I write them here for you to use on your own hunting trips.
The Billy Boone Bob and Cleatus Crocket Record Book of Mullets
With a ¼ inch aluminum tape take your first measurement from the occipital bun of the skull to the tip of the longest hair.
This Mullet scores 13 inches for amplitude and gets another 2 inches for the dick broom for a total score of 15 inches on the BBBCC Record Book, a proud specimen for sure but not a trophy.
For your second measurement, take the length of the hair from the top of the skull.
Subtract the business on top measurement from the party in the back measurement. This is know as the differential or amplitude measurement.
Cheater points: Cheater points are extra inches you are awarded for the accessories a Mullet chooses to accent their plumage with. The following list will outline the inches each adornment will be awarded.
1. Porn Stache – 2 inches
2. Beard/Handle Bar Stache, Pork Chops – 1 inch
2. Wallet Chain – 2 inches
3. Cell Phone Holder on Belt – 2 inches
4. Fanny Pack – 5 inches
5. Wife Beater T Shirt – 2 inches (If the wife beater has chilly, spaghetti, pot pie etc… stains on it, add 1 more inch)
6. Tube Top – 5 inches
7. Beer Belly (10 inches as measured from their belt buckle) 1 inch
8. Perm – 3 inches
9. Hairy Back – Male 2 inches, Female 10 inches
10. Gold Chains, Jelly Shoes, Spandex – 2 inches
Add your amplitude measurement with your cheater point additions to get your total inches. A score of 20 total inches will get you included in the record book.
I wish you happy hunting grounds and successful stalks.
Please stay tuned for Mullet Species Taxonomy and Identification coming soon.